Jokes!!!

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Hidden, Dec 2, 2005.

  1. ups

    ups New Member

    I real laughat this...but some of you will not

    A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
    Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch...
    The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there all ready.
    The little boy says, "Dark in here."
    The man says, "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a baseball."
    Man - "That's nice. "
    Boy - "Want to buy it?"
    Man - "No,thanks."
    Boy - "My dad's outside."
    Man - "OK, how much?"
    Boy - "$150"
    Man - "Sold."
    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
    Boy - "Dark in here."
    Man - "Yes, it is...."
    Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
    Boy - "$350"
    Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
    The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
    The boy says, "$500"
    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
    I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes t he door.
    The boy says, "Dark in here."
    The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now
     
  2. Coke

    Coke New Member

    hehehe....good stuff
     
  3. mojo

    mojo New Member

    I real expected him to say "My dad's outside..."
     
  4. Coke

    Coke New Member

    An ole TEXAS cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

    As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

    She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real TEXAS cowboy?’

    He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a TEXAS cowboy.’

    She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.’

    The two sat sipping in silence.

    A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real TEXAS cowboy?’

    He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.’
     
  5. Coke

    Coke New Member

    Physical

    An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.

    When the doctor enters the examination room he says, â€
     
  6. Pacmania

    Pacmania New Member

  7. scaR

    scaR New Member

    Lmao!!
     
  8. archvile

    archvile Active Member

    AHAHA mg ahahahaha
     
  9. ecktt

    ecktt New Member

    this is a killa!

    have you heard pigs are flying?
























































    yesterday swine flew
     
  10. mojo

    mojo New Member

    check this one out!
     
  11. soldier

    soldier New Member

    hahaha
     
  12. ups

    ups New Member

    How the Fight Started

    That's how the fight started................


    One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
    The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started......


    ************************************************************************
    My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

    I replied "Dust".
    And that's how the fight started.....

    ************************************************************************
    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ’I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
    And that's how the fight started.....

    ************************************************************************
    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
    I bought her a scale.
    And that's how the fight started.....

    ************************************************************************
    I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
    'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
    So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
    And that's when the fight started....


    ************************************************************************ My wife and I are watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed, I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

    'No,' she answered.
    I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
    So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
    And that’s when the fight started.....


    ***********************************************************************
    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
    So, I took her to a gas station.
    And that's when the fight started.....

    ************************************************************************
    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
    And that's when the fight started.....

    ************************************************************************
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
    'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
    And that’s when the fight started.....


    **************************************************************
    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
    You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
    So, I looked down at him and said, ’Well, then which one are you?'
    And that's when the fight started.....


    ************************************************************************
    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
    He said, ’Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?'
    'Nah, she can order for herself.'

    And that's when the fight started......





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  13. ups

    ups New Member

    A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.'What's the matter?' he asks.'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
    'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'
    'I can't see my ass coming into work today.
     
  14. soldier

    soldier New Member

  15. Paradoxxx

    Paradoxxx New Member

    Entertaining.

     
  16. soldier

    soldier New Member

    lol...
     
  17. Hero

    Hero New Member

    [​IMG]





    j00?

    lol win .
     
  18. Geese

    Geese Administrator Staff Member

    you realize that you saw this first right..
     
  19. Hero

    Hero New Member

    lol i know someone forwarded it to me and i was like LUL ...

    hehe thought i would post it.
     
  20. soldier

    soldier New Member

    WHERE AM I?

    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
    electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
    navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze
    the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the
    airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew
    a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign
    said "WHERE AM I ?" in large letters.

    People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a
    large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU
    ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and
    determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and
    landed safely.

    After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the
    "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The
    pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
    because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless
    answer."
     

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