The Joke Thread

[Hidden]

Keep it clean!

[Paradoxxx]

New Priest In Town

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his
parish confessing to adultery.


One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"


Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'


This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until
the priest passed away at a ripe old age.


A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of
the town and seemed very concerned.


"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When
people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've
fallen."


The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the
priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know
what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three
times this week!"

[mojo]

Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting T&T Better Village “Curry Cook-out” in Balmain, Couva, from the U.S.A.

Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Carib beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:

Curry # 1: Maraj's Maniac Monster
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on garlic. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Jesus, what the hell is this stuff? This could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two Caribs to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These curry munchers are crazy.

Curry # 2: Ashram's Afterburner
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of shadon beni. Slight Congo pepper tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting spicy flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this chemical out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more Carib when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous "Fire Brigade Water the Road"
JUDGE ONE: Excellent hot curry! Great kick. Needs more split peas.
JUDGE TWO: A watery curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the FBI, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Draino. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more Carib before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting wrinkled-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Baboolal's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Madrassi curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the sauce. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savitree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb momma is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Lalwatee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Congo peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more garlic. Must admit the Congo peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics to tend to their singed hair . The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savitree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Curry # 6: Vishnu's Vegetarian Vamper
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the plastic chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savitree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to soak my ass in a wheelbarrow of ice!

Curry # 7: Suresh's Sensation Scorcher
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on seasonings.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a few peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like ooze to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Like hell, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Bhansraj's Belly Squeezer
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[Xecutiona]

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/blockedme.php

:P

funny enough!!


http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/bunny.php

nice quality

[Latoneyde]

God, Indiana Jones is a noob eh?

http://indianajonesthenoob.ytmnd.com/
Listen to de song too LOL

Professor X just had ONE weaknes...
http://profx.ytmnd.com/

[showtime]

:kakashi4: That all great. But...

Why can't a lawyer be an alcoholic?

Because every bar he see, he want to pass. :banana:

[mojo]

Guyanese funeral arrangements...

A family in Guyana was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother
arrived from the USA, sent by their sister.

The tiny corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the large coffin that their mother's face was practically touching the glass cover.

When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister
pinned to their mother's chest, which read:

Dearest Brother and Sisters,

I am sending you our mother's remains for the funeral there. Sorry I
could not come along, as the expenses were so high. You will find
inside the coffin, under Mammy's body, 12 cans of Bumble Bee Tuna, 12 box spagetti, 12 Vaseline Intensive Care Skin Lotion, 12 Colgate Toothpaste, four 5 pound bag Canadian imported flour, and 12 ice apple. Just divide it among yourselves.

On Mammy's feet is a brand-new pair
of Reeboks (Size 8) for Papi. There are four pairs of Reeboks under Mammy's head for Bayo's sons.

Mammy is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts, one for Chun's husband
and the rest are for my nephews. Mek sure Stella sweet man don't get none. Mammy is also wearing one dozen Wonder Bras (your favorite), all different size.

I don't think any gun fit Pauline; she bubby too big. The 2 dozen Victoria Secrets panties that Mammy is wearing should be distributed
among my nieces and cousins. Don't give Pauline big-battie daughter any
of the thongs. Ah gun send Hanes when Jaitoon brother in law coming down fuh de races.

Mammy is also wearing eight Docker pants. One each for Neville sons;
give one to Poowah, she said she likes how they fit. The Swiss watch
Chubby asked for is on Mammy's left wrist. Mek sure you careful with it; it real.


Your loving sister
Nazie

[mojo]

THE INDIAN MOM


Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...who lives with a girl roommate Sunita.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying," Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:


Dear Mother,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you did not take the chutney jar.

But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now.
Love, Mom


Lesson of the day.... Don't Lie to Your Mother...especially if she is an Indian!

[Xecutiona]

ninja from another forum

VIN DIESEL

Vin Diesel - The Facts
When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. F@#$ you, team.
When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the frig down.
Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULL$HIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.
When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.
The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.
Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.
Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
To attain inner peace, Vin Diesel eats Buddhists.
Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.
Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh1t.
You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
During a stay at Neverland Ranch in the 80's, Vin Diesel was awoken by Michael Jackson who was trying to sneak into his bed. Vin Diesel punched Jackson so hard that he knocked the black right off of him.

[mojo]

rofl @ divide by zero!!!

Vin is de man!!!

[Paradoxxx]

Originally posted by Xecutiona@Dec 22 2005, 11:08 AM
ninja from another forum

VIN DIESEL

Vin Diesel - The Facts
When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. F@#$ you, team.
When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the frig down.
Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULL$HIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.
When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.
The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.
Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.
Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
To attain inner peace, Vin Diesel eats Buddhists.
Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.
Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh1t.
You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
During a stay at Neverland Ranch in the 80's, Vin Diesel was awoken by Michael Jackson who was trying to sneak into his bed. Vin Diesel punched Jackson so hard that he knocked the black right off of him.
Quoted post


lol @ no one survived his errection

[kaizen]

lol @ havin to quote de whole damn post again

[Xecutiona]

MR T!!!

As a child MR. T used to go into the sewers of NY and hunt alligators. I know what you are thinking: “There are no alligators in the sewers of NY”. Yeah...Now!

Mr. T has removed Pee Wee Herman from existence for making fun of his cereal.

Mr. T destroyed the periodic table, saying Mr. T. only recognizes the element of surprise.

The word "fool" originates from the time God created the universe without first obtaining a permit from Mr. T. T was so angry he made God permanently invisible.

Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

Mr. T scared the black out of Michael Jackson.

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

Mr.T has created a laxative. The box contains only a picture of Mr. T with his arms crossed but that image alone can make a person sh!t themselves.

Google won't search for Mr. T because it knows you don't find Mr. T, he finds you.

A common and widespread form of capital punishment in olden times was known as "pitification", where fools, sometimes in large numbers were brought before Mr. T and pitied to death. Later, the process was deemed too messy and inhumane. Thus, impalement and crucifixion were invented.

When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.

Mr. T can walk on water. He can also walk on fire. His preference however, is to walk on fools.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

Mr T once punched his way back to the 80's just to kill Richard Simmonds

Mr. T hates golf so much, he smacked half the black out of Tiger Woods.

When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.

He who disagrees with Mr. T in private, call him a fool. He who disagrees with Mr. T in public, call him an ambulance.

The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.

The last time Mr.T went hunting he got a 10 point buck, a white rhino and two bald eagles... He is no longer allowed into the Zoo.

The shortest distance between two distinct and seperate points is, in fact, Mr. T.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris once took a sh!t in the same toilet. The result was Rosie O'Donnell.

Contrary to popular belief, Mr. T was not beat by Sylvester Stallone in Rocky III. He actually lost to Stallone's stuntman, Chuck Norris. It took 5 hours of work by a dozen makeup artists to make Chuck Norris ugly enough to be a believable Stallone. Even with Chuck Norris, it was still necessary to use 3 metric tons of animal traquilizers to knock Mr. T out long enough for a 10 count.

Mr. T thinks Cotton is for wusses, therefor his clothes are made of 100% children.

Mr. T was almost involved in a second car crash. To avoid the crash, he folded his arms and slowly shook his head. The car decided it was safer to avoid Mr. T.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.

Mr. T once ate four 72 oz. steaks in 12 minutes. He spent the first 5 minutes laughing at the fact it takes Chuck Norris fifteen minutes to eat three.

[Paradoxxx]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[joker]

a man walks into a bar with a robotic bartender. on entering the bar, the robot askes the man's iq. he says 150.

he and the robot discuss quantum physics, world politics and religion.

the man decides to test the bartender, so he walks outside, walks back in, and then answers the robot by saying his iq is 100.

they talk about girls, guns, movies and fast food.

he walks out one more time, comes back in and tells the robot his iq is 50.

the robot looks at the man slowly and says:

so.......

yuh voting for maning again?

[carlsberg]

There were 4 people on a plane, the pilot, a priest, a soldier, a crazy man and 3 parachutes. the pilot took one just b4 he jumped out he said the plane was gona crash. the soldier took the 2nd parachute said he cudn't die cuase he serves the country. the crazy man grabbed the last parashute and jumped out.
the priest said he was gona belive in God 2 save him and he jumped. on the way down he saw and passed the crazy man. the crazy man said as he passed him " or hor, (takes of parachute)is a race now EH?"
* BA DOOM CHING* -lol?- >_<

[soldier]

My Tv not working good. But I'm watching this biography on discovery channel about zebras and pandas.. The damn tv doh only showing black and white!! >.<

[Paradoxxx]

Arite this one just played off at work in RL.

This girl mentioned that cats are clean animals to an IT guy, the IT guy objected to this as he didn't agree with the idea that there were clean animals, unless they just got a bath.

The joke>
The IT guy then challenged the girl,
"If your cat so clean, Would you lick your cat?"

[Xecutiona]

ahahahhaahahad dat was bad i eh go lie

[opium]

a guy and his friend went hunting in the woods at the back of house
the friend took his rifle and scoped at the house and saw the guy's wife with another man
"it looks like your wife is cheat on u with the neighbour"
"am going to shoot that bitch in the head and chop that guys balls off"
"i can get that with 1 shot"

[takiaji_bless]

Heres one for you!!!!

why did Zidane butt the italian dude( materatzi..cant speel his name)


he asked him for a comb!!!!
AHHAHAHHHAHAHAHA
AHAAHAHAHHA!!!!! i find it funny

[KillZone]

Cereal companies have been working hard to come up with new exciting breakfast cereals we can all shove down our pie holes in the morning, here are some of their less successful concepts that got rejected...

Toxic Waste Puffs
Beerios
Kevorkian Krispies
Honeymoon Nuts
Chernobyl Charms
Eboli-O's
Cap'n Crack
Kellogg's Ganja Puffs
Lucky Tabs O' Acid
Colostomy Crunch
Phil Graham Crackers
Fruit & Fabio
look Again -- Them Ain't Raisins
Post-Modern Toasties and Rococo Puffs
Limbaugh Logs
Kellogg's "None of Your Goddam Business"
Special AK47
UnaBran
Nut 'N' Bitch
CaCa Puffs

[KillZone]

Whenever a man has something to say, you can be sure a woman always has to have her say in the end...

He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is.

She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said... Who's gonna look?

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said... No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

[Xecutiona]

i thought you all would enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpxGFHSXHV8

[Rko]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' little Josephtold him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

[soldier]

A man hadda go over a wall but he cant go around it and all he have is a bucket of water and sum breeze.. how does he get over the wall?













he put the breeze in d water, make a ladder(lather) and climb over. BWAHAHHA

[Silverdoxxx]

Ghost Shit
That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.

Clean Shit
The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Second Wave Shit
It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realise that you have to shit some more.

Brain Hemorrage Shit
Also known as "Pop a vein in your forehead " shit. the kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.

Sweetcorn shit
Self Explanatory

Log shit
The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush

Drinkers shit
That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking - its most noticeable trait is the skid marks left on the bottom of the toilet .

"Gee I wish I could shit" shit
Its the kind of shit where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet with cramps and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Shit
That's the one where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Shit Also known as "The Power dump"
That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

Liquid Shit
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, spashes all over the inside of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

Mexican Food Shit
A class all its own

The Crowd Pleaser
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone.

Mood Enhancer
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, allowing you to be your old self again.

The Ritual
This shit occurs at the same time time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper

Guiness Book of Records Shit
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations

The aftershock shit
This shit has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is effected.

The Honeymoons over shit
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

Groaner
Ashit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance

Floater
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushes

Ranger
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper

Phantom Shit
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit putting it there

Peek-a-boo-shit
Now you see it, now you don't. this shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control

The bombshell
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during love making or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

Snake Charmer
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil into a frightening position - usually harmless Olympic Shit This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinkers shit.

[soldier]

copying and pasting emails is not cool :)

[ecktt]

You all herd the one about emo-grass?
It cuts itself!
rofl!

[bill]

Lol That Win

[phoenix31tt]

You all herd the one about emo-grass?
It cuts itself!
rofl!

rofl indeed that win

[TaC_Up]

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn.


He stares at it and dares it to grow.

[ecktt]

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn.


He stares at it and dares it to grow.

ROFL
dat win!

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson,
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,"Since your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is: you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something
that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman???"

God said, "Ah, yes!"

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!"

"Hmmmm, you have some good points there..." replied God, "It may be true that my invention
is flawed, but according to my calculations, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

[eddoes]

Ploi

[loki]

Genre: Airplane Jokes
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

[opium]

a woman went to a doctor to see about her unusual sickness and was told she was pregnant, in shocked she hit she and got into a coma. nine months after she awoke, "congrats ma'am u have twins, ah boy and ah gyal".
in shock again but still awake she asked where are they and who named the children, "dey with yuh brother and he also named them....."
"my brother???, oh lawd no!!!!, what is de girl name"
"Denise"
"de boy?"
"Denephew"

[heady]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NXTcUry6c0

[Paradoxxx]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NXTcUry6c0

ok that was not funny

[soldier]

i think it supposed to be so dotish it funny...

:confused:

[opium]

more like retarded enough to be sad, not funny, if u do find that funny seriously check a local madman for advice

[ecktt]

hear this new classic:

Why is it that Gangsters' parties don't have food.
Cause bad man doh cater!

XD

[eddoes]

where ecktt does geh these tings....

[ecktt]

Hear this one.
It suppose to be true.

Man Buy a new Hilux and uses it to go to work in town.
Everyday a vagrant would come and etch next to the "4 x 4", " = 16" on the Hilux.
The owner would then have to buff it off with some rubbing compound.
Eventually the owner got frustrated and painted on " = 16".
Felling confident, he return to work in town thinking that he would stump the vagrant.
He returned to see "4 x 4 = 16 √"



Yes i was drunk when i herd it.

[ecktt]

<[carlsberg]> yup....that does suck....
<[carlsberg]> as much as a poor hooker on a friday....



lolrof!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[archvile]

somhow i know u was gonna paste that here yes loll

[soldier]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.




This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.




If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.




You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[soldier]

The Genie

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

' Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.

'I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you
still believe in genies?'