Jokes!!!

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Hidden, Dec 2, 2005.

  1. Hidden

    Hidden New Member

    Keep it clean!
     
  2. Paradoxxx

    Paradoxxx New Member

    New Priest In Town

    There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his
    parish confessing to adultery.


    One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
    "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"


    Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
    who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'


    This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until
    the priest passed away at a ripe old age.


    A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of
    the town and seemed very concerned.


    "Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When
    people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've
    fallen."


    The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
    priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the
    priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know
    what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three
    times this week!"
     
  3. mojo

    mojo New Member

    Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting T&T Better Village “Curry Cook-outâ€
     
  4. Xecutiona

    Xecutiona New Member

  5. Latoneyde

    Latoneyde Member

  6. showtime

    showtime New Member

    :kakashi4: That all great. But...

    Why can't a lawyer be an alcoholic?

    Because every bar he see, he want to pass. :banana:
     
  7. mojo

    mojo New Member

    Guyanese funeral arrangements...

    A family in Guyana was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother
    arrived from the USA, sent by their sister.

    The tiny corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the large coffin that their mother's face was practically touching the glass cover.

    When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister
    pinned to their mother's chest, which read:

    Dearest Brother and Sisters,

    I am sending you our mother's remains for the funeral there. Sorry I
    could not come along, as the expenses were so high. You will find
    inside the coffin, under Mammy's body, 12 cans of Bumble Bee Tuna, 12 box spagetti, 12 Vaseline Intensive Care Skin Lotion, 12 Colgate Toothpaste, four 5 pound bag Canadian imported flour, and 12 ice apple. Just divide it among yourselves.

    On Mammy's feet is a brand-new pair
    of Reeboks (Size 8) for Papi. There are four pairs of Reeboks under Mammy's head for Bayo's sons.

    Mammy is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts, one for Chun's husband
    and the rest are for my nephews. Mek sure Stella sweet man don't get none. Mammy is also wearing one dozen Wonder Bras (your favorite), all different size.

    I don't think any gun fit Pauline; she bubby too big. The 2 dozen Victoria Secrets panties that Mammy is wearing should be distributed
    among my nieces and cousins. Don't give Pauline big-battie daughter any
    of the thongs. Ah gun send Hanes when Jaitoon brother in law coming down fuh de races.

    Mammy is also wearing eight Docker pants. One each for Neville sons;
    give one to Poowah, she said she likes how they fit. The Swiss watch
    Chubby asked for is on Mammy's left wrist. Mek sure you careful with it; it real.


    Your loving sister
    Nazie
     
  8. mojo

    mojo New Member

    THE INDIAN MOM


    Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...who lives with a girl roommate Sunita.

    During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.

    Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

    About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying," Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

    So he sat down and wrote:


    Dear Mother,

    I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you did not take the chutney jar.

    But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
    Love, Kumar

    Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read:

    Dear Son,

    I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita.

    But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now.
    Love, Mom


    Lesson of the day.... Don't Lie to Your Mother...especially if she is an Indian!
     
  9. Xecutiona

    Xecutiona New Member

    ninja from another forum

    VIN DIESEL

    Vin Diesel - The Facts
    When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
    If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
    There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. F@#$ you, team.
    When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
    In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
    There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
    When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
    Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
    Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
    Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the frig down.
    Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULL$HIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.
    When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.
    The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.
    Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
    Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.
    Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
    Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
    To attain inner peace, Vin Diesel eats Buddhists.
    Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
    In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
    Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.
    Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.
    Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh1t.
    You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
    Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
    If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
    Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
    It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
    When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
    During a stay at Neverland Ranch in the 80's, Vin Diesel was awoken by Michael Jackson who was trying to sneak into his bed. Vin Diesel punched Jackson so hard that he knocked the black right off of him.
     
  10. mojo

    mojo New Member

    rofl @ divide by zero!!!

    Vin is de man!!!
     
  11. Paradoxxx

    Paradoxxx New Member

    lol @ no one survived his errection
     
  12. kaizen

    kaizen New Member Staff Member

    lol @ havin to quote de whole damn post again
     
  13. Xecutiona

    Xecutiona New Member

    MR T!!!

    As a child MR. T used to go into the sewers of NY and hunt alligators. I know what you are thinking: “There are no alligators in the sewers of NYâ€
     
  14. Paradoxxx

    Paradoxxx New Member

    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

    I know I'm not going to understand women.
    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
    pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
    and still be afraid of a spider.


    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
    The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
    He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
    She directs him down the correct aisle.
    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
    balls and a ball of string on the counter.
    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
    for your wife?
    He answers, " You see, it's like this,
    yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
    and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
    papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
    So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
    ( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

    WIFE VS. HUSBAND
    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
    neither of them wanted to concede their position.
    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
    the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
    "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
     
  15. joker

    joker New Member

    a man walks into a bar with a robotic bartender. on entering the bar, the robot askes the man's iq. he says 150.

    he and the robot discuss quantum physics, world politics and religion.

    the man decides to test the bartender, so he walks outside, walks back in, and then answers the robot by saying his iq is 100.

    they talk about girls, guns, movies and fast food.

    he walks out one more time, comes back in and tells the robot his iq is 50.

    the robot looks at the man slowly and says:

    so.......

    yuh voting for maning again?
     
  16. carlsberg

    carlsberg New Member

    There were 4 people on a plane, the pilot, a priest, a soldier, a crazy man and 3 parachutes. the pilot took one just b4 he jumped out he said the plane was gona crash. the soldier took the 2nd parachute said he cudn't die cuase he serves the country. the crazy man grabbed the last parashute and jumped out.
    the priest said he was gona belive in God 2 save him and he jumped. on the way down he saw and passed the crazy man. the crazy man said as he passed him " or hor, (takes of parachute)is a race now EH?"
    * BA DOOM CHING* -lol?- >_<
     
  17. soldier

    soldier New Member

    My Tv not working good. But I'm watching this biography on discovery channel about zebras and pandas.. The damn tv doh only showing black and white!! >.<
     
  18. Paradoxxx

    Paradoxxx New Member

    Arite this one just played off at work in RL.

    This girl mentioned that cats are clean animals to an IT guy, the IT guy objected to this as he didn't agree with the idea that there were clean animals, unless they just got a bath.

    The joke>
    The IT guy then challenged the girl,
    "If your cat so clean, Would you lick your cat?"
     
  19. Xecutiona

    Xecutiona New Member

    ahahahhaahahad dat was bad i eh go lie
     
  20. opium

    opium New Member

    a guy and his friend went hunting in the woods at the back of house
    the friend took his rifle and scoped at the house and saw the guy's wife with another man
    "it looks like your wife is cheat on u with the neighbour"
    "am going to shoot that bitch in the head and chop that guys balls off"
    "i can get that with 1 shot"
     

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